Possibly the Worst Night of My Life So Far

On Wednesday, December 28th, the week after Christmas, I had a very frightening experience. I won't go into detail, but basically I had experienced some symptoms that were bad signs, and I was afraid I was about to lose the baby - right after we'd announced our pregnancy to our families. I was very anxious, but I tried to keep calm, because I didn't want to inadvertently make anything worse. I got Aaron and we got dressed (it was about 10:45pm and we'd been just about to go to bed), and he drove me to the St. Joseph ER, which is thankfully just down the street from our house. We ended up sitting in the waiting room for about 2 hours, which I guess isn't too bad by ER wait-time averages. But I was anxious, feeling sick, and already exhausted. Once they got us in and put me in a bed, I felt better, mostly because the bed was much more comfortable and they heated up a couple blankets for me. They took some blood, hooked me up to a saline IV because they were afraid I was dehydrated already, and then didn't come back for about an hour. Aaron was a real trooper, and sat next to the bed, holding my hand, and saying comforting things.

Finally, the ER doctor on duty stopped in and said they still had to wait a little longer on the blood tests, and asked me several questions about how I was feeling and where it hurt and for how long, etc. Then he said he was going to send me over for an ultrasound shortly, and he'd check back in with me when he had those images and the blood test results.

The ultrasound was like the saving grace of the whole experience; Aaron and I got to see our baby for the very first time. I had expected something only vaguely humanoid, but the screen showed me a very human-looking little person, and he/she was apparently feeling great, flipping around and making lots of little jerky movements with their arms and legs. It was magical. I cried, and immediately all the anxiety was lifted; the baby was okay, everything was going to be okay. The nurse/ultrasound tech was smiling, and was very kind to us both.

I was wheeled back into my original ER room, and after another hour or so (I'm not exactly sure - I may have dozed on and off) the doctor came back in, and said everything looked fine to him, and asked when my next appointment with my OB-GYN was. I told him it would be that coming Monday, in just 3 days, so he said that I should call their office later that day, after I'd rested a bit, and tell them that I had been in the ER and that the ultrasound images could be accessed by tomorrow afternoon. He told me to take the day off and stay in bed all day, though, just to be extra careful.

A Christmas Surprise

Despite the fact that I would still be in my first trimester, Aaron and I decided to tell our families our happy news at Christmas, so we could have the opportunity to tell almost everyone in person. I had found out that the rate of miscarriage, particularly for first-time pregnancies, is much higher than I had expected - 15 to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage for one reason or another, although many of those are within the first couple of weeks so the woman may not even have realized she was pregnant. However, I felt that my pregnancy so far had been fairly easy by comparison to stories I had heard at work or from relatives - I was only occasionally queasy rather than constantly ill, and it was usually directly proportional to how much food was in my belly, or worse, the lack of food. I had learned not to let my stomach become completely empty, and nibbled on crackers or Crispix or Kix cereal almost constantly, though I never actually ate until I was full; a full stomach was almost as bad as an empty one. I couldn't eat a lot though, and in the two weeks after finding out that I was pregnant, I had actually lost about 8 or 10 pounds, and never seemed to gain it back. My doctor wasn't bothered by that, though, since I wasn't a lightweight to begin with, plus I have always been able to keep my prenatal vitamin down.

In case anyone's curious, I've discovered the best way to handle keeping down a vitamin is: 1) Take the single gel-cap vitamin that included the required dose of DHA, rather than one hard vitamin tablet and a separate gel-cap of DHA - I found out the hard way that the hard vitamins make me feel very ill the next morning. The single gel-cap is huge, about an inch long, but I've never had trouble swallowing it. 2) Take the vitamin a short while after dinner, so there would still be a little food in my stomach; at any time, an empty stomach = queasy, but a vitamin + empty stomach = feeling on the verge of vomiting for a few hours. 3) Go to bed early; the vitamin tends to give me gas, and if I'm asleep, it won't bother me, and the bloated feeling is gone by morning.

Anyway - back to Christmas. The schedule would be as follows:

Christmas Eve
- Traditional Polish Dinner with my dad's side of the family, the Wienceks, at my parents' house
- Dinner with Aaron's mom's side of the family, the Shafors, at his grandparents' house

Christmas Day
- French toast breakfast at my parents' house again
- Visit at Aaron's mom's house from late morning to mid-afternoon
- Afternoon to early evening in Dana Point with my mom's side of the family, the Hoolihans
- Back to Aaron's mom's house for their traditional Christmas dinner

In the week leading up to Christmas, I had thought I was fairly calm and confident about revealing the fact that we were expecting a baby, especially since we would also be announcing the fact that we would be married in March. But when the day finally arrived, I found myself feeling more and more stressed and anxious, mostly because Aaron was stressed and anxious and unhappy for reasons of his own, and I'm not very good at keeping my emotional state steady and independent of his (particularly now that I am pregnant - damn hormones!). So by the time we arrived at my parents' house, my resolve was badly shaken and I wanted nothing more than to go back home and stay in bed and cry. Since I couldn't do that, I went in the bathroom and cried there instead. Feeling a little better after releasing a little tension, I started splashing water on my face and tried to calm myself, but then Aaron came in and found me and wanted to know what was wrong, and I started crying again. Once he figured out that I was upset about telling my family, he apologized for being upset all day and tried to make me feel better, suggesting different ways to phrase our news. Finally I suggested that maybe we should go find my dad and ask him what he thought, and when Dad came in, I started crying again as I tried to explain what I was feeling. At first he suggested that maybe Aaron or I, or both of us, would like to say Grace before dinner, but when Aaron and I both looked slightly panicked, he said maybe he could be the one to deliver the news instead, if I wanted him to. Almost immediately I felt relieved, and told him that I would like that. A nice solution, right? I thought it would provide a subtle show of parental support, which certainly couldn’t hurt. I started to feel better.

…Of course, this is my dad I’m talking about. Grace went something like this:

“Dear Lord, we thank You for this feast that You have provided for us, and we ask You to bless those who have prepared this feast; we also ask You to bless those who couldn’t be with us tonight, as well as those who aren’t staying...” (pause to glare at a couple family members planning on leaving early) “...and finally, we ask a special blessing on Aaron and Becky, and the new little Pollock that will be joining the family soon. Amen.”

I looked around the room, and saw that the last bit had gone over almost everybody’s heads... everyone was smiling but looking slightly confused. So I quickly stood up since it was still fairly quiet (and grabbed Aaron’s hand and dragged him up with me), muttered to Dad that that may have been a little to subtle, and announced: “I feel like I need to clarify real quick: We’ll be married in March...” (some soft ‘oh!’ sounds and smiles from those who didn’t know we were engaged yet) “....aaaannd, the baby is due in July.”  I heard gasps, louder oh’s and oh-my-goodnesses, and chuckles from some as I sank back down in my seat, hands cold and knees shaking. Generally, everyone seemed surprised but pleased, which was a relief. Mostly, though, I was just glad it was over. Aaron and I both got congratulated several times, and I finally felt able to relax by the time we left to go to Aaron’s grandparents’ house for his family’s Christmas Eve gathering.

I went into the most detail about that particular event, because it stands out most in my mind - I suppose because I was most anxious about telling the Wienceks, who are comparatively a little more conservative. Since they handled it so well, I felt much better prepared to tell Aaron’s family, as well as my mom’s family the next day.

In the car on the way to his grandparents’ house, I suggested that maybe Aaron would like to make the announcement to his family. He seemed totally at ease with that, so when we got to the house and greeted most everybody, he stood near the front door so that everyone in the kitchen, dining room and living room could see and hear him. I stood slightly behind him, holding his hand, and he got everyone’s attention by calling out that we had an announcement to make. Everyone paused and turned to look at us, and big smiles and knowing looks crossed the room - most everyone knew we were engaged, and assumed that was the gist of our announcement. Aaron started out with: “Some of you probably heard already, but I wanted to tell everyone that Becky and I are engaged.” There were some ‘aaaawwww’s, and a scattering of happy applause. Then Aaron spoke up again: “AANNND...” Some of the smiles turned to surprise, and there were several raised eyebrows; then Aaron’s Aunt Claudia in the living room said, “AND?! Uh-oh!” There were some chuckles, and Aaron laughed as well as he said: “Yeah, uh-oh.  ...aaannnd....” (he paused dramatically - the silence was deafening) “.....and the baby’s due in July.” There were some loud yells, almost screams from a couple female relatives, but most of them seemed delighted. Then there was a round of hugs for me, slaps on the back for Aaron, and congratulations from everyone that was both gratifying and heart-warming.

At my grandparents’ house the next day, we experienced much the same thing; all the grandkids had gathered on the round couch upstairs near the Christmas tree, and a couple of my aunts were organizing and preparing to hand out all the gifts. Aaron suggested that this might be a good time to break the news, since most everyone was gathered in one place. So I went out to the two outdoor decks and asked the adults there to please come in for a minute for an announcement, then Aaron and I stood in front of the fireplace, holding hands. I felt much more confident of a good reception this time, but my hands still shook and my chest felt tight as I called for everyone’s attention. I gripped Aaron’s hand harder and said, “Aaron and I have an announcement to make.” Everyone quieted down and stared expectantly, and Aunt Eileen pause on her way around the couch to the kitchen and said, “Alright, let’s have it.” So I said, “Aaron and I are officially engaged, and we’ll be married on March 3rd.” There were grins and some applause, but it didn’t get too loud right away, so after a slight pause, I said, “...and that’s not all.”  Aunt Eileen yells, “WHAT?!” So I smiled and said, “The baby is due in July.” Aunt Eileen yelled something inarticulate, and the room dissolved into chaos; some of my younger cousins apparently missed it, and were yelling, “What? WHAT?? What did she say?!” and other cousins were loudly repeating my news, while the adults loudly repeated it to themselves and each other. I noticed my dad grinning off to one side and not saying a word, while in the kitchen my aunts converged on my mother and demanded details.

All in all, it was a very Merry Christmas.

The Discovery

Tuesday night, November 22nd, two days before Thanksgiving, I finally admitted to Aaron that I had been feeling anxious and, I thought, queasy as a result of the anxiety, for about two weeks... plus I'd missed a period. I was confident that I wasn't pregnant for several reasons, not the least of which being that I had been on the Pill until I ran out in the middle of October (that's a whole other story I'm not going to get into), and changing prescriptions has caused me to miss periods before. I also had been told by two different doctors that because of a couple conditions I have, it would be extremely difficult for me to ever conceive. In fact, my new doctor had told me that I should mentally prepare myself for the worst-case scenario, in which I may never have children. Anyway, confidence aside, the anxiety I was feeling was undeniable, mostly because I have an overactive imagination and, possibly, because I was unconsciously recognizing signs and symptoms that would indicate otherwise. So at 11pm, Aaron and I drove to CVS to pick up some home pregnancy tests. I took one as soon as we got back home.

A positive result would look like this:  ( + ) ( ─ )
My test almost immediately looked like this:  (  |  ) ( ─ )

So we sighed with relief -- Omigosh! We're not pregnant! Thank goodness!! -- and I had the best night's sleep I'd had in two weeks.  The next morning, I got up a little before Aaron, and went into the bathroom, where we had left the pregnancy test on the counter. I was looking at it again, and just for the extra peace of mind, compared it to the box again.  …then looked again.  …then held the test up to the box. That's when I realized --

A negative test was supposed to look like this: ( ─ ) ( ─ )

……oops. Just to make sure, I took another test, and once again, almost immediately --

My test showed this:  (  |  ) ( ─ )

…and I realized that the horizontal bar in that first window was very faint, but the important one, the one that made the difference between positive and negative, was that vertical bar, and it was dark.  I was very pregnant.

So I went and woke up Aaron, saying, "Honey, wake up, Aaron, hon, wake up - I think we read that test wrong…" As soon as 'wrong' left my lips, his eyes flew open wide and he stared at me for a few seconds, then seemed to relax, throwing off the covers, and complaining that I had scared him and why had I woken him up like that and calm down, he'll have a look. He went into the bathroom, confident he was about to prove me wrong, and did the same double-take from test-to-box-to-test-to-box that I had done. His eyes got big again, and he looked at me, and we just stood there for a few seconds, staring wide-eyed at each other. The flood of emotion that followed is hard to describe - a strange mix of elation and shock that I had done the supposedly near-impossible so easily, and fear and wonder at how my life had just changed so dramatically, so quickly, and pure awe, that I was growing a little person inside me, and hearing Aaron whisper, "We're going to have a baby. We're going to have a baby."

We had to go to work, so we just hugged for a few minutes and I realized that I was shaking, almost vibrating. But I didn't cry - I guess I was too shocked still. When I had calmed down, we finished getting ready for work, although I felt a little like I was floating, and a little like I was drunk - I was very wobbly. I stumbled and almost fell down the stairs from our apartment, and  Aaron scolded me and I apologized, then we both laughed a little hysterically. The rest of the day was a blur that I have no recollection of.

The next day, Wednesday November 23rd, I had off work from my main job at Green & Hall, but I was filling in at my grandpa's law office, so I asked my sister to come in for the afternoon because I had a doctor's appointment. I didn't actually have an appointment, but I did go as a walk-in, and told the receptionist that I suspected I was pregnant and could they test to confirm, since I didn't completely trust the home test I had taken. After 10 agonizing minutes, she called me up and told me the test was a strong positive, no doubt about it, and made a note in my folder that my upcoming annual GYN appointment on Dec. 6th, in two weeks, would now double as my first OB appointment. Then she smiled and said congratulations, and told me my estimated due date was July 21st, 2012. I smiled, tried to hold back the tears that suddenly started welling up, and in a moment of confusion, said, "Okay.  …umm, what do I do now?" She looked startled, then brightened and said, "Oh, this is your first pregnancy? Okay! Do you have prenatal vitamins?" I told her I didn't, and she went and got me three different samples to try, and a few informative pamphlets to get me started, and gave me a few bits of advice about what not to eat and drink, etc. I thanked her and left, and almost made it to the car before I couldn't hold it in anymore and started sobbing. After I'd sat there a few minutes and calmed down a little, I called Aaron who had been anxiously waiting for me to tell him the test results. I told him we were pregnant, and started crying again, feeling mostly overwhelmed and helpless at not having a plan or any preparations in place, and at the same time realizing that I didn't have any idea what sort of preparations to make anyway, which made it worse.

Fortunately, Aaron's sister Kristen didn't live too far and agreed to have us over to visit that evening. We decided to tell her first, because she has a daughter who was almost two years old at the time, so we thought she would be the best one to approach for help and advice until we decided the time was right to tell our parents and the rest of our families. I feel we definitely made the right choice because, once we convinced her that we weren't joking (which actually took a few minutes - she was so sure Aaron was trying to put on over on her), she not only had a few books we could borrow to read, she also got on her laptop and started looking up information on financial support for childcare, cheaper apartments in case we decided to move, and recommended a couple websites which provide informational daily emails on the progression of pregnancy, www.babycenter.com and www.whattoexpect.com. She even admitted that she was actually kind of excited that her daughter Avery would have a cousin fairly close to her age, and who would live nearby. We finally left, feeling somewhat better and slightly more confident that this might be something that we could figure out how to handle after all.

The Adventure Begins

Hello all!

I've started this blog for a few reasons, the main ones being keeping a record of our experiences as Aaron and I start this new adventure as well as the progress of our little one, and allowing those friends and relatives near and far who are interested to hear the latest info we have to share. (I should also mention that, as our wedding on March 3rd approaches, I'll most likely include some details about that as well.) I'm not going to make any promises as to how often I'll be posting, but I will do so as often as possible, hopefully with photos as well. If there's something in particular you want to know that Aaron or I haven't written about, feel free to leave a comment and we'll be glad to respond.

If I tried to cover everything that's happened since the beginning, this post would be insanely long, so I'm going to break it up into several posts.    Enjoy!

PS. I have just discovered that I can back-date my posts, so I'm going to re-arrange and cheat a little and post things on or near the date the actually occurred, rather than two months late, which is when I'm finally writing it all down. :)